It’s nice to be needed. Innocent grabs at my fingers and requests for hugs. Closed gaps between us in bed because she needs my warmth and smell. A quick pinch of my skin to take her back to dreamland. Seconds after a whiny reach, she’s regulated and smacking my face away from hers saying “I don’t want cuddles anymore.” Well, O.K. It’s nice to be needed sometimes. Motherhood lending to purpose—I belong here. To tend to her. To be consistent. To show up raw and unrelenting. To be the best mother myself.
I’m not a big fan of constant logic. Motherhood exists mostly outside of logic for me. I’ve spent countless breaths talking in circles attempting to rationalize why I feel something must be the way it is, only to find that it’s “because I said so.” There’s no true logic in that. It’s a statement of get it done or and leave me alone. Feelings that are meant to inspire inexplicable movement can be scary. But, once the fear of moving differently fades, clearer perspective offers direction and comfort in the reality of constant change.
Babe has begun singing to me. She creates cadences that resemble the ones she’s heard from friends, shows and family. Committed to repeating what she hears, she sings ones that she thinks she knows the words to. This has proven hazardous as she has also begun repeated things that should not leave a child’s mouth. Twinkle twinkle little star becomes word soup towards the end. Same with the alphabet and really any other song that proves complicated for toddler tongues. These sprightly songs have become bells of mindfulness to me. Breathing in, I am breathing in. Breathing out, I am breathing out. Breathing in, I am listening to growth. Breathing out, I am giggling at the added syllables. Breathing in, I love my baby. Breathing out, in gratitude for my baby.
2025 Alphabet Poem
Action
Better yet
Commitment.
Dialogue that
Exponentially
Funnels
Growth
However hard
It is
Just surviving.
Kicking
Loose
Momentarily, and
Not
Overthinking
Problematic
Quarrels that bring
Ratifications.
Stop
Thinking, talking and taking
Useless nonsense, unless
Very
Warranted.
Xerox
Your
Zeros (especially when after other numbers).
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU, 2024.
GODSPEED 2025.
What will we see?
xx Abby